The S Word

Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of life.  ~ Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only


Your husband wants you.   Yes, you.  With your stretch marks and graying hair, age spots and not-so-flat tummy (okay, so maybe I’m just describing me now), you are beautiful to him and appealing and he desires you.

As much as you may wonder how you can be attractive to him with the spit-up on your shirt and oatmeal in your hair, you are.

And, this is the part you may find even more amazing, he wants you to want him too.

In fact, Feldhahn’s study for her book concluded that “97 percent of men said ‘getting enough sex’ wasn’t, by itself, enough – they wanted to feel wanted.”

I’m not going to give you three tips for a hot sex life or five ways to make your man’s world explode.  Instead, I’m going to invite you to consider the gift of physical intimacy, to count it among the joys of marriage, and to believe your husband when he says he thinks you’re beautiful – because he really does.

1.  The Gift of Physical Intimacy

I know, it doesn’t always seem like a gift … or maybe it just seems like the gift that keeps on giving.  The truth is, though, that physical intimacy can be a spiritual tool.  In Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas states:

Married sexuality helps form us spiritually by shaping the priorities of what we value and hold in high esteem. (217)

By esteeming the sexual component of our marriage and giving it a place of priority in both thought and action, we reject the values of this world that call to us with cheap imitations of true intimacy and commitment.

2.  Sex is One of the Joys of Marriage

I know!  You are thinking, “This girl is nuts!!”  But it’s true.  {Even when it doesn’t feel true.}  This verse is used by many pastors and teachers as a foundation for the expectation for regular sex in marriage:

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.  1 Corinthians 7:5

That seems to make sex a duty … and if we’re really honest, there are times when it is.  But please, y’all, PLEASE, don’t think of physical intimacy with your husband as merely a duty.  Learn to think of it as joy.   This might require some retraining of your mind but I promise it’s worth it.

3.  Believe That He Finds You Beautiful

I’ve shared my husband’s words on beauty before and I have to remind myself of them with regularity.  I don’t look in the mirror and think, “Wow!  I look goooooood.”  I usually look in the mirror and think, “Hmmm, guess I should get a shower.”   However, my husband finds me attractive and I don’t want to take that for granted.  And you shouldn’t either!  Accept his compliments.    He means them.  In Proverbs husbands are told to “delight in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18).   That means you, my friend!  He’s supposed to delight in you … let him.

I’ve got to be honest, this post was tough for me to write.  I’m writing not from “I’ve arrived” but from “Every word of this convicted my heart.”   I’m just convinced of this truth – God created sex, for both procreation and for pleasure, and He offers us this gift of physical intimacy in the safety of a loving marriage.   And we foolishly reject this precious gift.

Sex within a marriage, like every other gift God gives us, is good and we must choose to live – and thrive! –  in that awareness.

{If you have a past that involves sexual abuse, please seek professional counseling and support for healing from the devastating consequences of those experiences.}

Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis


Starting Well in 2012

This week we’re talking the five S’s of marriage. Tomorrow the other “S” word – submission. Just to make sure you don’t miss a post in this series, please take a moment to subscribe for daily updates in your email. All the previous posts in Starting Well in 2012 are indexed here.

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Read the Psalms this summer with Scripture Dig!


  1. It is hard to take the compliments, huh. But then again, nothing is more irritating than having someone argue with me when I try to compliment them. Probably need to work on that one.

  2. TLU: Husband from The Schell Cafe…you hit the nail on the head. You’ve succinctly articulated what I’ve attempted to express for the last decade. Wonderful words of encouragement for both Wives & Husbands. Press On!


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