Sunday is the most stressful day of the week in our house. By far. Scott leaves early, usually by 7:00 am, to check and double-check everything before the first service at 8:30. I stay in bed until the last possible minute, not because I’m tired though. I stay in bed because the decisions that face me stress me out.
What will I wear? Pants, skirt, dress … ugh! My black pants don’t fit and that’s a nightmare because black pants are the uniform of a pastor’s wife. Skirt? Maybe … but my pasty white legs are pretty embarrassing amongst all the tanned and toned legs of the women in my church who live at the ball field and love the sun. (I personally would rather curl up with a book and cup of coffee than be outside sweating. Good thing I have a girl who loves dance and not softball.) Dress? Oh, even worse … somehow dresses make me look like I’ve gained 20 pounds overnight.
Okay, skip the what to wear dilemma. I’ll contemplate that after my shower.
Why is it that on Sundays my hair is always out of control? I never realize until Sunday morning that I should have scheduled a cut and color about three weeks ago. I stand there in my bathroom that still smells of Scott’s cologne and wish hats were still an option for Sunday mornings.
Every single insecurity I have is magnified on Sundays. Every. one. I’m aware of every flaw of my body … and my personality.
It’s not so much if I wear a dress or pants, it’s that I fear I won’t be clothed with kindness and compassion.
It’s not that my hair is frizzy and showing way more gray than I’m prepared to admit (though that does bother me!), it’s that I see my heart is a mess and my attitude is way less gracious than I’d like it to be.
Sunday mornings are when the rest of my week catches up with me. As I read my devotion and open the Word, preparing my heart for worship, I am profoundly aware of how much more preparation I need.
The thing is, I doubt that has anything to do with being a pastor’s wife. Probably it’s just about being a person. This week, as you prepare for church on Sunday morning and your hair is acting crazy and none of your clothes fit, maybe that’s just another opportunity to pray … for yourself. (And if you would, for your pastor’s wife too. I know she’d appreciate it!)
How do you prepare your heart for corporate worship experiences?
I write sometimes about being a pastor’s wife—because it seems that we’re an enigma sometimes. But the truth is, I’m just a girl in need of grace and forgiveness.
As a fellow pastor’s wife – YES! On all of it, yes! Thanks for being real. 🙂
Thanks, Lindsey!! 🙂
Oh Teri! When I sing in the choir, I can’t wear a hat?! If you only knew how many times, I wished I could throw a hat on my head and not try to make my hair look good on a Sunday morning. A very long time ago, I went to a ladies’ Bible study, where one of my friends (who went to the church where my husband was minister of music) said, ” When you first came to our church, I thought you always look and acted perfect; and then, I got to know you…”. At first I was shocked anyone thought I was perfect; and then, I was happy because I knew my friend loved me for me, flaws and all. Thank you for your transparency, and for reminding me that it is my fear of being too human, of being found lacking in Godly traits, that gets in the way of worship. How do I prepare for worship? I read a Psalm or the focus verses for the sermon, I search my heart and ask forgiveness, and think about God and who He is. He is worthy of worship and worthy of praise. Without Him, I am nothing.
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Thanks for the encouraging post, Teri. Sometimes I find I need to give myself a spiritual pep talk before I get out of bed on Sundays–just to remind myself that it isn’t about me, but about Jesus and those he has chosen to place me among. Funny how easy it is for me to forget that.
Oh Susan, it’s good to know I’m not alone. Such a struggle to keep a right perspective sometimes, isn’t it?