But there is a test that I desperately want to pass … the thought test. This test is administered by God Himself, often at my own request.
In the second half of Psalm 139:23, David writes, “Test me and know my anxious thoughts.”
That cuts me deep … every. single. time. For I am the queen of anxious thoughts.
Long ago I memorized Philippians 4:6 which tells me, “Do not be anxious about anything” and 1 Peter 5:7 which reminds me, “Cast all your cares on Him for He cares for you.”
But I am an anxious thinker. So much so, that over the past month I have been physically ill partially due to my inability to let things go.
I just re-read that last sentence and I need to confess that I lied … It is not that I have an inability to let things go, I have an unwillingness to let things go. My need to control has, on more than one occasion, left me utterly helpless.
You would think I’d have learned my lesson … but sadly, this seems to be a recurring theme in my life. Unfortunately, this is more than just being “Type A” … more than a desire to be organized and efficient … that word “test”, it’s a toughie in the Hebrew.
“Bahan” is the transliteration. To try, prove, test, examine, search out, purify, look out, watch. Used primarily in Job, Psalms and Jeremiah, this term is used primarily in a spiritual sense, and denotes an investigation to determine the essential character of a person, especially integrity.
Do you see why that hurts me so much? This test isn’t about how much I know … it’s about who I am. My anxious thoughts betray me … they reveal the lack of faith I have far more often than anyone realizes. My anxious thoughts reveal the fear that at times controls me. My anxious thoughts reveal the ways I choose MY will instead of HIS.
But I’m learning … I know this is a test I will retake time and again … my fervent prayer is that I will learn to rest in the steadfast character of God … and that as I do, He will change my character to be like His.
How do you sense God testing your thoughts?
Photo by Dave Bleasedal